


Dissident

by Aflyingmonkey



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Depression, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Ziam Mayne - Freeform, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 15:04:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3814882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aflyingmonkey/pseuds/Aflyingmonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Liam groans and slowly opens his eyes. There’s a hand in front of his face. He looks up at its owner.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>  <i>He’s tan with black hair and eyes the color of whiskey, soft but burning. Eyelashes long, and his mouth looking insanely soft. His lips, pursed with worry, but still full and pink. Like he’s always biting them in mid concentration. </i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Liam takes the hand and falls into the sun. </i></p><p> </p><p>~~~~~<br/>Liam runs and plays football, his dad breathing down his neck at every turn. He meets Zayn and slowly remembers how to breathe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dissident

Rain beat against the cement like a heart thudding painfully against a fearful chest. When silence is violent and the only sound is pure rain soaking every inch of the ground. Places being cleansed of the awful winter that had been laid bare before. Winter destroying things in its path while summer looks on in pity slowly waiting for its chance to bring forth bluer skies. Winter is death, summer is life. Ancient proverbs set in stone since the creation of the Earth when the universe, tense and focused, reset itself. Continuing to expand like a chest rising but never falling. The rain beating a path to worrying thoughts. Like the edge of a panic attack, a heart thudding against a painful chest. It is spring, a new chapter in the story of the universe.

Liam doesn’t mind running in the rain.

Every thud of his chest, another reminder that his breath is being stolen from him or maybe he’s willingly giving it, and another exhale to add to the things that Liam can’t do. The rain a constant reminder that it exists. When the rain starts, there’s never an ending in sight. Always a constant reminder that rain is another part of life. The rain doesn’t stop and neither does Liam.

Liam kinda likes the rain. Most people hate it or maybe just prefer to look at it from inside. But without rain there would be no growth, no life. Liking the rain shouldn’t be seen as absurd when it can be constant reassurance that the Earth is still turning, even after trillions of years. 

The rain a gentle thudding against Liam’s body. 

He stops and stands, but only for a minute, his clothes practically clinging to his body. He looks up to the cold grey skies. However warm it may be soon, for now it is cold. The last remnants of winter hanging on with a death grip. 

Liam wishes the world would stop turning, though. Just let him get one breath in and maybe life wouldn’t seem like it needs to happen so rapidly. It’s raining. The Earth is spinning. The universe expanding. Liam running. What else can he do but run. Away from his father, a firm grip on his shoulder, like winter’s death, standing beside him. A knot in his stomach. He wants to stop for just a moment. 

The rain slows down, finally coming to an end. 

Liam starts to run again.

~~``~~

The universe is in a constant state of exhaling. 

Liam is in a constant state of inhaling. 

Always just trying to catch up and catch his breath. His heart pounding. It’s fear. At least that’s what he acknowledges one night when he’s twelve years old. Fear that grips and squeezes his chest and stealing his breath, grasping it in its cold fingers. 

Yellow bathed kitchen. He wants everything to stop for a while. His heart is pounding. Things are piling up around him. He can’t hold on to everything at once. It’s a shove and he’s so scared. He’ shaking afterwards in his bed. Lying there looking at the stars, he remembers a fact about them. Because of how fast light travels, some stars are already dead. Liam hasn’t ever really thought about death so blatantly before. Nobody in his family has ever died so it’s never really hit him that death is an occurrence that happens in life. 

Maybe he can die someday.

Fear wound its way to his heart. 

Liam starts running the next day. 

His father is proud that he’s committing himself to sports now.

~~``~~

He’s the best player on the team is what comes out of everybody’s mouth when they talk about him, as if it’s a fact. Liam just likes to run. Whether it’s on the field or against the pavement, rain or shine, fearfully always fearfully, Liam runs.

When he loses a match, he sometimes wonders about those dead stars. His body has little bruises like the stars in the night sky. Finger-shaped ones, where his father dragged him off the field. Afterwards Liam runs three miles, sometimes six. Each time his legs want to give out. Maybe just this once Liam can breathe. But he doesn’t remember how and he lost his match so the universe exhales and Liam tries to inhale. 

He wishes the stars would disappear

~~``~~ 

The sun is swallowing up the Earth. Rays continue to consume the atmosphere. The sky is too blue and the clouds are blinding. Liam lost a match on Friday. Spring is slowly bleeding into summer and Liam has to finish this season strong. He needs to impress the recruiters. His dad has already spotted them at the games. He’s running on his sixth mile and not breathing. The sun swallows the earth whole.

The universe expands and collides with another.

Liam falls flat out on his face.

“Oh shit! Mate, I’m so sorry.” 

It’s a quiet voice with a slight northern tilt. 

Liam groans and slowly opens his eyes. There’s a hand in front of his face. He looks up at its owner.

He’s tan with black hair and eyes the color of whiskey, soft but burning. Eyelashes long, and his mouth looking insanely soft. His lips, pursed with worry, but still full and pink. Like he’s always biting them in mid concentration. 

Liam takes the hand and falls into the sun.

~~``~~

His name is Zayn. Just moved from Bradford. Liam thinks it must really suck to have to move with it being the final year of school and ending so soon. Liam tells him. 

“Yeah, but it was inevitable.”

“Why?”

Zayn looks towards the other side of the park for a minute, contemplating his answer. Liam can tell, Zayn is a bit shy. He has made eye contact a total of three times and he’s quite soft-spoken. 

“My dad got a new job offer.” 

A weird look crossed over Zayn’s face before he offered a small smile. Liam just nodded. “Oh that’s cool.” There was a momentary silence. Before they began talking again.

It’s like falling into the sun. Burning up slowly into each other. Zayn likes comic books and Liam is ecstatic. His friends are never interested in his theories about Batman and Superman. But now he finally has a person to share them with. It’s quite exhilarating the process of making a friend. They like the same music too. Zayn laughs at Liam’s stupid jokes and Liam makes Zayn smile and in return his cheeks begin to hurt. Two universes colliding. Tense and focused.

Liam forgets for a while. 

He remembers how to breathe.

Then his phone beeps in his pocket.

“Hang on, sorry, it’s probably my dad.” 

A nervous smile and a hint of worry in another. 

~~``~~

The sun was still out but drifting slowly towards a late evening. Only a couple hours away before darkness. But Zayn didn’t mind all that much as long as he could keep talking to Liam. It was better here, when he came to school that day people waved to him and he begin to realize how different it would be from his old school. His parents wanted to homeschool him for the rest of year, but then his dad did get a new job offer. So they moved here, in the hopes that it would be a little bit different. 

And right now it’s looking to be quite different.

Zayn glanced at the boy across from him. His brow tight with worry and his eyes, the same color as Zayn’s only a bit lighter in places, bright and passive, unseeing of the ground before them. His hair the color of a doe, so soft looking that Zayn wishes he could run his fingers through it.

But maybe Liam isn’t like that.

Zayn was bi himself but he had no clue about Liam’s sexuality. But if life had taught him anything, it would probably be that Liam was way too good to be true. He looked as straight as they came. Zayn sighed. 

Then he hears a strong stern voice coming from Liam’s phone and he believes he sees Liam wince, though it is very subtle. A lot of “yes, father” and “I know.” Zayn doesn’t like to see Liam look so uncomfortable, as if every ounce of him is on high alert for an unforeseen danger. Liam is very alert, like a deer, wide eye-d and focused. 

Zayn wonders who the hunter is. 

Liam ends the call and puts the phone back into his pocket. He looks so on edge, that Zayn wishes he could do something for him, anything. Liam stares at the ground, before quickly rising.

“I have to go home.” It’s said with a slight sense of urgency.

“Yeah, of course.” Zayn stands too.

They both shyly glance up at each other, before quickly averting their eyes.

“Hey-“

“Um-“

Liam smiles. “You first”

Zayn glances up unsurely. “I was just wondering if we could talk again, maybe hang out.”

“Yeah sure, mate. I’ll give you my number.”

~~``~~

Warmth seeps into Liam’s chest, chasing away the fear for the time being. 

~~``~~ 

Friendship blooms in spring. The beginning, a new chapter, enters Liam’s life. Uninvited, or not, a happy accident if you will, Liam is loving every moment of it. Zayn is like the sun and every time they have to say goodbye Liam is sad to see him go, but perks up when the day starts with a text from Zayn. He still runs, but now he takes the occasional break, maybe a few minutes, to text Zayn back. 

He and Zayn go to the movies or the park or the comic book store (pretty sure their business is the only thing that keeps the place going), or sometimes to Zayn’s house. They’re friends, maybe even best friends. The first time Zayn shows up at Liam’s match, Liam almost has a heart attack. He played alright, but every time he could just pick out Zayn yelling for him, he could have burst, feeling so many emotions at once. Who knew one human could hold a universe inside of them. 

If only his father was less worried. Liam still attends practice and it’s not like he cut down on his training regime. But his father still eyes him when he smiles at a text or goes up to his room when he gets a call from Zayn. His father starts to talk more about “not letting himself become distracted and to not slack off even if the season is almost over.” Liam takes his advice seriously and he still trains. His father is still stern, though. It’s likely that his father will never change when it comes to that sort of stuff. But Liam actually feels okay. 

Zayn is like the sun. Constantly charging and producing light. Lighting up the darkest parts of Liam. Parts where even the stars have touched. Liam doesn’t know if Zayn likes him like that. He wishes he did, but he still takes comfort in his friendship. As long as Zayn is there then the grip of fear around his heart is loosened. His father looks at him, a strange look in his eye, but Liam doesn’t pay him any attention. He’s okay for the most part. 

Liam runs and thinks about Zayn.

~~``~~

Zayn thinks this is what it’s like to fall in love.

He can tell his mother knows because she gives him these knowing looks. Doniya, his older sister, is less tactful. Teasing him whenever his phone pings. Safaa and Waliyha, his younger sisters, asking constant questions. 

But Zayn has nothing to worry about. His whole family adores Liam. His dad isn’t as harsh as he could have been. When Liam first came over, Zayn could tell he was quite terrified. His dad can be quite imposing when he wants to be, but upon seeing Liam looking quite nervous, he decided to lay off the “Protective Dad” routine. Dinner came and it was amazing. Liam enjoyed the food, asking what spices his mom used and Zayn was practically glowing by the end of the evening. Liam thanked his mother for the meal and his parents for having him over. Zayn couldn’t get over how kind and thoughtful he was. 

Every time Zayn thought about him, his heart would do the gentlest of thuds against his chest. Not quite leaping, but maybe just thumping. 

And it wasn’t just his personality. Liam was everything Zayn wanted. He even had nice shoulders, how was that possible. Every time he thought about Liam, he wished he could run his hands over him, maybe a gentle touch.

Maybe even kiss him. 

But Zayn knew that probably was never going to happen. It didn’t matter though. At the end of the day, they were mates. Zayn knew he could tell Liam anything and Liam knew he could go to Zayn. He honestly couldn’t have asked for a better friend. 

Even when Zayn told him how much people bullied him and the reasons for it, Liam didn't turn his back on him. Amber eyes burning he told Zayn furiously, 

"They're just ignorant, Zayn. Don't ever listen to any of them. You're an amazing person."

Zayn thought right then and there that he would never let Liam go. 

~~``~~

It’s raining the night Liam calls Zayn.

Zayn picks up like he always does, a pleasant smile and a friendly “Hey.”

It’s the rain he hears first, before-

“Zayn.”

It’s scary how fast Zayn’s heart drops to the bottom of his stomach, a solid rock. Liam’s voice is so shaky, like at any point in time he’s going to crumble to pieces. Maybe he already has.

“Liam? What’s wrong?”

One heartbeat too many.

“I just-“ Silence.

“Liam?”

“… I never should have called you. God, I’m sorry for bothering you.”

Zayn feels panic erupt in his chest.

“No! Liam, no. Please. It’s okay that you called me. We’re best friends. Whatever you need okay I’m there. Just please.”

“… Okay. Okay. I just- I never thought… it’s not even that bad, god.”

“What’s not that bad?”

It may have been seconds but felt like years.

Light years ago the stars were so bright.

“Can you please come get me?”

There is no universe that exists where Zayn would have said no to that question.

~~``~~

Star shaped bruises litter skin. They vary in time of healing, some a sharp purple color while others a darkened brown. A bigger bruise like a blackhole, shaped on the center of his back. One other on his waist. Fear is his constant state. He was fearful that night when he was twelve and maybe he’ll die of fear. Spring is about new beginnings, but nothing ever really does change. Not when stars die and nobody ever takes notice. 

The universe expands. Liam wants to run. Zayn wants to cry.

“It’s not that bad.”

It’s a whisper, a lie.

They’re sitting, the expanse of the two universes between them, on Zayn’s bed. Liam cannot believe how much he overreacted. He fell wrong, that’s all. Except, he panicked and called the first person he thought of. Zayn had to wake his mum, who drove them back here. She gave them a stern look and said “It’s late. He can stay but I want an explanation in the morning.” Liam just felt ashamed and humiliated. He chanced a look at the clock on the bedside table.

2:30 a.m.

It was a school night, too. What kind of friend would do this? Why did he have to be so stupid all the-

“Liam.”

The rain was like a heartbeat, thudding against the window. 

Liam looked up, amber meeting whiskey, a candle to a flame. The sun meeting the sky almost for the very first time again. 

“It’s okay.”

Liam blinked.

“I mean it’s okay that you called. I know mum was a bit irritated but she’ll be fine. You’re my best mate Liam. When you call, I’ll be there no matter what.”

Zayn reached up with his hand, wiping Liam’s face. Liam blinked suddenly, he hadn’t even known he’d been crying. His face felt wet. He tried to wipe his tears away angrily. God it wasn’t even that bad!

“Hey, it’s okay.” It was so gentle, meant to be soothing. But Liam just felt so much hatred for himself in that moment. He was so weak, so afraid. For the future. He didn’t want to be afraid, if only he could be stronger, please his father more, and make something of his worthless self then maybe-

“Please, Liam look at me.”

“I’m sorry, Zayn.”

“It’s okay.” 

The heart and the rain beat to the same drum. It was silent for a while. The universe inhaled. 

“How many times are you gonna say that?”

“What?”

Liam let out a sigh and glared daggers at the wall. His body tensed. 

“How many times are you gonna tell me its okay when it’s obviously not?” A sharp whisper steadily rising to a raised voice. Stars burning hot in the night as rain continued to pour. Liam stood up quickly, starting to pace the room. He looked at the ground, a fidgeting nervous wreck.

“Liam-“

“Because it isn’t okay. No matter what I fucking do I can’t please him. I go to school. I get good grades. I train. I play. For fuck’s sake I was named captain this year. I try my hardest and I think I’m doing my b-best. But what if that’s n-not good enough? What if they don’t recruit me? What am I gonna do? Oh god Zayn, I have no idea what he’s gonna do…”

Liam’s voice trailed off into a whisper. It’s obvious who he meant by “he”. Stopping in his tracks to look at Zayn, his eyes welled up with tears, shining in the dark. Zayn reached for him, needing to hold him in that moment. 

Liam fell easily into his arms. 

His body a bit bigger than Zayn’s, with his broad shoulders, a tad bit taller too. But Zayn held on tight, unwilling to let go. Rubbing Liam’s back where he could feel the shaky rise and fall of his chest on every breath. 

They stood like that for a while, before Zayn pulled back. Putting some space between him and Liam, who still took a few shuttering breaths, Zayn looked into his face. His eyes rimmed with red and so bright against the dark of the room. Another breath and another tremor, Liam tried to pull in air. Zayn gently cupped Liam’s face with his hands, softly wiping his tears with his thumbs. 

“It’s going to be okay.” 

The universe exhaled, another leaned forward. 

Their lips barely touched, a mere graze. Before Liam’s hand grabbed the back of Zayn’s head and moved him forward, deepening the kiss. It was a little bit awkward because it was a first kiss. But it unleashed a thunderstorm inside of Liam. Whirling in pure joy, maybe a bit of hunger, as he gently guided Zayn through the storm. 

When suddenly Zayn pulled away, and looked away from Liam.

“Wait. Liam wait. Okay I’m sorry. Did I force you just now? I can’t believe I forced you like that. I’m so sorry. I like you okay probably should have said that first before-“

“Zayn, look at me.”

Zayn winced. Of course Liam would want to tell him face to face how horrible he was. He looked.

Liam was smiling, his eyes crinkling.

“I like you too.”

Zayn felt his heart practically leap out of his chest. He honestly felt like he could fly in that moment. As if all he ever needed to live was to hear Liam’s tender voice say those words. They would fill his lungs with air for the rest of his life. Looking up into amber whirling with pure delight at mutual fondness and boy-ish like, it was quite wonderful.

Zayn kissed him again.

~~``~~

They were lying down together, facing each other. Clothes on, because they both weren’t ready for that type of step. It was nice though, just lying there and staring into each other’s eyes. The rain had stopped but the moon still hung in the sky, the stars shining. 

Liam couldn’t quite believe how much he felt towards Zayn. As if at any moment he could combust into a thousands of tiny stars, with which to light up the night sky. This night had started out the worst possible way but had ended with seeing Zayn, being with Zayn, and maybe that didn’t fix the horror story that had turned into Liam’s life. But it made everything just a bit more okay. A bit more bearable. 

He scooted closer to Zayn, laying his head in between his head and shoulder.

“Hmm?”

“I just…”

Liam sighed, trying to breathe deeply. Zayn needed to know what had happened tonight. 

“I want to tell you why I called… tonight.” 

Zayn stiffened, his whole body taut like a rope. He started to pull back to look at Liam. But Liam cuddled closer.

“Please. I can’t look at you. I need to…You need to hold me…”

Zayn gently wrapped his arms around Liam.

“My dad has always wanted me to do well ya know. I’ve always tried to please him that way. He’s never… never hit me. But sometimes he would grab me. H-Hard enough to bruise. Which I didn’t really…I mean-“

Zayn begin to rub Liam’s arm, up and down, wishing he could take away his pain.

“It’s not that bad. It wasn’t that bad. A shove and a push just to get me motivated. The first time it happened was… I tried to quit football and I wanted to stop going to this club or whatever. I felt like I couldn’t do it all. I wasn’t afraid so I just told him I wasn’t gonna do it anymore and I turned my back and he… He tried to grab me and I shook his hand off. Then he pushed me.”

Liam was breathing a little bit faster now, harder, like every breath in his lungs was trying to escape. Zayn pressed a kiss to the top of his head. Soothing and calming, like a gentle wind amongst the expanding sky. 

“He started to grab me more and that I could handle, but the shoving could sometimes get… Like I landed wrong tonight. I hit the table and when I was on the ground, he um pressed his foot against my back and… stepped on me. He leaned over and told me I shouldn’t fall and I should put up more of a fight? But I didn’t think he would like that. I don’t want to fight. Zayn… I don’t.”

Zayn hugged Liam closer. As Liam cried for the second time that night.

A couple minutes later, Zayn had made up his mind.

“Liam?”

“Zayn…”

“You can’t go back there.”

Liam lay silent. Zayn thought he had fallen asleep.

“… But I have to.”

“No you don’t.” A fierce statement.

“… I have nowhere else to go. I have to go home.”

“We’ll figure something out. Don’t worry. I’m going to make sure he’ll never hurt you ever again. I promise Liam. From now on, I’ll do my best to protect you okay. No matter what we’re going to figure this out.”

The universe exhaled.

Liam inhaled.

~~``~~

Liam never did go back to that house. He never saw his father after that. Since he turned eighteen, there was nothing his father could do. He tried but the Malik’s were resilient in keeping Liam in their home. 

He didn’t stay long at the Malik house either however. The university he wanted to attend had already accepted him and gave him the option of moving into housing early. He was packing what little he had managed to collect from his house and his stay with the Malik’s when Zayn found him.

“Hey there you are. Mum made lunch so just come down when you’re ready.” He made to go back downstairs.

“Wait Zayn.” He turned around.

“Yes, boyfriend?” 

They both smiled. 

“I liked how you snuck that in.” He gave Zayn a kiss.

“Hmm. Well I do love saying it.”

“Of course and I love hearing it.” 

One more kiss, before Liam pulled away and grabbed an envelope from the desk. 

“So I found this in the mail today.”

Zayn grabbed the envelope. It was addressed to him. 

“Liam, this is…” 

“Let’s see what it says yeah?”

Zayn nodded, before tearing the letter open. He whipped out the letter, staring at it longer than what Liam deemed necessary.

“Well?”

“… I got in.”

~~``~~

Two universes had collided, before forming a new universe all on their own. They intertwined within one another. One exhaling, another inhaling. Two bodies, one soul. One universe, tense and refocused. 

It begins anew.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow okay. So this is my first one direction fic and it's kind of my baby. Please comment and leave kudos if you liked it. You can find me at my [tumblr](http://pinkiezayn.tumblr.com/)  
> If you want you can also reblog the [post](http://pinkiezayn.tumblr.com/post/117297595730/dissident-by-aflyingmonkey-pairing-ziam)!  
> Hope you enjoyed it! please leave kudos/comment thank you!!


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